November 30th 2018:
i am agonizing agonizing agonizing procrastinating triggered triggered triggered, my chest feels tight and my breath is slowing as i am typing these words. i’ve been hyperventilating and letting out slow screams trying to make myself cry so i feel better. this is not a cry for help it’s just part of the process, i am supremely confident i will be ok i am confident in my abilities i am confident in my abilities i am confident in my abilities. my success is important to myself and others. i am just as valuable as i have ever been. these are the words i need to hear so i tell them to myself until i believe it, these are the words i need to see so i spell them out on here so i can read it, i see it before anyone else does and once i decide it is good enough, i hit publish. by the time it is new to the public, it is old to me, the final push is the commitment to consequences, projections, following up, criticism, or most horrifying: praise. (just kidding, i still enjoy praise. just not in front of everyone)
for over a year i’ve had “launch online shop” on my to-do list and it didn’t move and i didn’t work on it because it’s one of those things that have fifty to a hundred smaller to-dos inside of it. december 1st was the deadline i gave myself and that’s tomorrow.
the down is as low as the up is high and i was on a productivity high yesterday afternoon but then in the evening i felt very lost and lonely, could not shake this fragmented fog of failure. stacked up against the memories of all the other things i started and didn’t finished. it feels like losing ground, treading water, the fear of being defined by your flaws and failures. it’s an unquenchable hunger. normally i would get high but i didn’t allow myself to. i don’t want to run from the pain or do things to make myself feel temporarily better but cause long term regret. i got to reroute my serotonin supply. i won’t try to escape the discomfort necessary to achieve my desire. how is making your dreams come true so dreadful?
after i wrote something hard and honest, i said “making art doesn’t feel like busting a nut anymore, it feels like giving birth.” and it’s still true. the labor pains, the sickness, the commitment, the postpartum sense of loss and new identity to adjust to. the first push that begins a whole new entity with it’s own mind and moods. i embrace it because it means that what i’m making means more.
i’ve ran an online shop before, i know i can do this because i have done it before. i want to do it better than i did before because i have more than before. i have more freedom, resources, knowledge, stability and strength than three years ago. it can take a long time to perfect a product, multiple trials and botched recipes and updates. the entrepreneur has to take time to prepare to profit. it’s only six items with short inventory runs of each product. not even as big of a deal as i’m making it out to be.
it’s harder than it’s ever been, i texted myles about it. he said “because we’re getting older and there feels like there is less space for ‘practice'””. psychological issues can become more pronounced in adulthood. a grown-up develops addictions and relies on vices in the same manner that a toddler wants their blanket or teddybear. you have to stop and take the rocks out of your backpack every now and then.
the next thing i need to do is to finish writing a press release. so easy. probably about the same amount of effort and energy to write this shit. why this shit instead of that shit then?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ [ stopping point. a day passes. mreeuh takes a walk to calm her thoughts. goes grocery shopping. confides in her family and old friend. has some red wine and cheese pizza. decides to postpone the launch. says fuck it to the stress and is highly amused at her ability to get her own self worked up over
nothingsomethingeverythinganything herself? ]
emotional simultaneity. feeling multiple ways at once. excited, stressed, pressured, destined, disgusted, self-important, self-sabotaging, self-aware, embarrassed, transforming, transforming, transforming.
realizing i have a incompletion trigger. let’s call it that instead of impostor syndrome for now. a trigger is a trauma wound, a land mine, a pitfall portal, something that reminds you of all of the other things just like it. how do you heal a thing like that? i love to make things but then i stop right before it’s done. i’ve done it so much it that it feels like it’s just how i am but that has to change. i know i’m not alone in this, so many people do this with books, food, clothes. buying new things, overlooking what they have. i have to look inside. there is no need to go outside.
what does the hater in my head have to say about my hopes and dreams? the bastard whispers that people will say that i’m copying someone else, force-following footsteps, trying to be like someone more successful than me, similar in business model and industry but vastly different in style, execution, creativity, attitude. “damn i guess tattooing isn’t working out?” fuck you. of course no one has actually said this. i haven’t launched yet, i haven’t even revealed anything to criticize. it is my own expectation, my own limiting belief beneath the sabotage. that is one perspective but another is that i am the perfect person to execute my vision because of my previous involvement in assisting other companies, going after potential competitors. if i don’t do this, i’ll remain unfulfilled, envious and resentful of everyone doing something similar, feeling like i could do better, trapped by fear with no one to blame but myself.
my procrastination led me back to my birth chart. i started researching my saturn aspects, the eighth house. i’m at the cusp of my saturn return. saturn rules bones, authority, father figure, time, karma. it is the task master, whistle blower, custodian, disciplinarian. serious and mature, the saturn return demands thorough assessment and necessary transformation. because it handles karma, it also deals destiny.
the birth chart can be studied for a lifetime. because saturn rules the bones and has malefic aspects to my sun and jupiter, i interpreted that as the reason for my scoliosis. last year, i began straightening my spine and it’s significantly straightened. because saturn represents a father figure, i figured my father issues were correlated by my saturn placement. two years ago i wrote about it and stopped telling the story. the birth chart doesn’t change but the person grows so the understanding of the birth chart can be reinterpreted with deepened insight as the chart owner matures and masters lessons.
saturn in aquarius in the eighth house. what the hell does that mean. i spent two days and one night ruminating on it. what is saturn, what is aquarius, what is the eighth house, what are all the possible combination of these, what does it all mean, here, now? the eighth house is the house of sex, death, rebirth, inheritances. here is the best article i found on it.
i have at least three main nemeses in this life, enemies with enduring hatred, once sweet relationships turned sour. grudges that borderline obsession that got so out of hand that the initial reasons why became distorted. characters committed to my undoing, going out of their way to make my life harder, lying on me, blaming me for their actions, obsessed with me but trying to make it seem as if i am obsessed with them, which resulted in me becoming obsessed. i don’t care about them as much as i am bothered by their antics, but sometimes my compassion kicks in and then i do. victim playing, gaslighting, reaction-baiting narcissists who will stoop to the lowest lows. they’ve tested me to my limits and brought out the worst in me. they expose my shadows, they’ve scarred my psyche. they are the stepmother of the hater in my head. the wars we’ve waged have made me who i am. they have all tried to do something to interfere with my livelihood, even my freedom, slandered my character and reputation in attempt to control how strangers see me. they are all aquarians. one a former lover turned stalker, one a ex-friend and sister, most recently my upstairs neighbor. but even i ignore them or a relationship ends, if i don’t understand the underlying issues, the situation can reappear in another person. i have a karmic cycle to close. if i stay there, it would be by my choice and that’s not what i choose. if someone was born late january to mid february, that’s a red flag for me. only exceptions i can think of are chris and natalie.
what am i saying about myself if my saturn is in aquarius and saturn is discipline and karma and eighth house is legacy and inheritance and other people’s shit? how can i make an enemy of aquarians without denying the aspect of myself that relates to structure and discipline? it can be an excuse or it can be fuel. ego death, ego death, ego death. career-wise it makes total sense i am a tattooer. the seriousness of the craft, permanently modifying other people’s bodies. aquarian energy is that of deviation and eccentricity so it also makes sense that i am professionally subversive, even in the industry of tattooing, i don’t fit the profile of “serious tattooer” because i do so many other things. i’m a disgrace by the standards of more than one cultural limitation. i am here to pioneer the new, with nods to the ancient. while understanding that not all projects need to see the light of day, i want to heal my incompletion trigger. i want to finish and release and keep getting better.
saturn in aquarius means i could invent new technology or champion social justice rights. aquarians are independent so in the eighth house it means i don’t ask or receive help from others well. an elusive genius with a schizophrenic work ethic. saturn spends about 2.5 years in a sign so it’s not just me but everyone born in 1991 and beyond. it makes sense that so many people my age want to be their own boss and not work for anyone, equipped with the technological savviness of making the internet work for you.
with saturn in aquarius, its difficult to define what is work and what is play. the gratification of hard work versus the enjoyment of leisure become overlapped. we need our wants. the craft is burden and blessing. the calling fosters fulfillment and inadequacy. the procrastination is productive. the progression can be pointless. go on a far enough tangent and it loops back into the bigger picture.
i want to give my life to my work.
i want my work to expand my life.
i want my expanded life to improve my work.
i want my improved work to archive my life.
i want my archived life to inspire the world.
i want the inspired world to find their work.
i want their improved work to inspire my life.
i want to live my inspired life, working.
taking a trip around the galaxy to make myself feel better inside my body. my standards are high but my expectations are low, taking the scenic route to simplicity with overthought conundrums, i work myself up just to laugh later.